The Death of the Dark Lord
by Varietygirl9143
Summary: In which I successfully kill off everyone's fav DL in 2 chapters. lots of OOCness, but in my usual way! weird, I know, but hey, I was bored. what else is a girl to do? please r&r. COMPLETE.ly random.!
1. The Misinformed Lord Volders

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter, or any of the related characters. I do own this rather bizarre plot… though unfortunately I'm not making any money for it and I don't get paid again for another week. So right now, the current money situation: sucks.

**Note**: The censored parts are meant to be like extreme sexual desires that I just didn't want to write. Short version, I'm lazy. Long version, they were gross.

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Chapter 1 The Misinformed Lord Volders

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Lucius Malfoy tightened his grip on Wormtail's throat and hissed menacingly at him, "Do not, I repeat, do NOT lose this information! Do you understand, you pitiful excuse for a human?"

Wormtail nodded frantically, fighting desperately for breath.

Lucius smiled sinisterly, loosening his hold on Wormtail's throat ever so slightly, "Good. Now, take this paper, read it and destroy it immediately."

He dropped the man dangling from his fist, kicking him roughly where he lay on the floor. Then he started to dig around in his pocket.

"Grr, I know it's in here somewhere! Ah, here it is," He pulled a small slip of parchment out of his voluminous pockets and handed it to Wormtail before sweeping out of the room in true evil-guy fashion.

Wormtail gazed after him longingly, wondering for the seventh time why Lucius had to walk away from him and couldn't just stay in his bedroom. He sighed, why didn't he have the brains to lock that man up! Then he could have his way with him… FURTHER GRAPHIC THOUGHTS IN THIS PARAGRAPH HAVE BEEN CENSORED! WHY? BECAUSE THE AUTHOR FEELS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO PUKE IF IT CONTINUES! THAT'S WHY!

Wormtail opened up the note that CENSORED Lucius had given him.

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_Wormtail,_

_Stop thinking about me like that, it's just wrong._

_Now, the Potter's live in Godric's Hollow, got that? Godric's Hollow! _

_DO NOT give the Dark Lord this address: 4 Privet Drive, Little Winging, Surrey. This is the WRONG ADDRESS! _

_Malfoy_

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"Master! I have the address!"

"Good, Wormtail, you've finally done something right! I'm proud of you. In fact I'm so proud that I just might (CENSORED). Now, what is the address?"

"4 Privet Drive, Little Winging, Surrey! Ha! I remembered! Take that Lucius!" Wormtail screamed, making the Dark Lord give him a weird look.

"Well... Excellent, let the ruthless killing begin!"

And with that, everyone's favorite dark lord Apperated to the wrong address, courtesy of Wormtail.

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Alright, I know this chapter is exceedingly short. But the next one will be longer, I swear.

So, please review, it'll get me to update sooner! ;-)

luv, veggies


	2. A Guinness World Record

I'm not sure if I'll actually keep going with this fic. Just to warn anyone who even remotely cares. But anyway, right now it's just serving the purpose of amusing me.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or One Ring to Rule Them All…. Hehehe.

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"Well…. I thought they'd hide somewhere better than this…." Voldemort said slowly.

"My lord, you must remember that half-bloods and blood-traitors have very poor taste—obviously," Wormtail explained, thinking quickly.

"I can't believe that you thought you needed to clarify that! Idiot!" The Dark Lord screamed.

A light in the house in front of them flicked on.

"See what you've done, Worm? Now they're awake! What am I going to do now, hmm? Look them in the _face_ when I kill them?"

"Master, if you'd followed my suggestion and taken the Tums before we left you wouldn't be feeling quite so squeamish—"

"Are you implying that I, the Dark Lord Voldemort, am squeamish?" He hissed, grabbing Wormtail by the throat.

Wormtail shook his head furiously, what was it with his throat today anyway?

"Good." The Dark Lord dropped his henchman—if you could call him that, he's more like male companionship if you wish to think such censor-worthy thoughts—unceremoniously on the street.

Voldemort swept up the short walk to the front door, his cloak billowing like any true bad guy's cloak should.

He muttered something and the door swung open, creaking slightly. He stalked into the first room, a bedroom? No, a disgustingly clean sitting room. Something fell to the ground in the next room, making a terrific crash.

Voldemort tiptoed cautiously to the doorway. Then screamed like a little girl.

On the other side of the doorway, Vernon Dursley screamed too.

Then crumpled down dead.

The ever imperturbable Dark Lord regained his composure and looked down wide-eyed at the fat man at his feet.

"Ok then…. That saves me some time. Potter's put on some weight though. Very unattractive."

Voldemort went back into stalking mode. He crept over to the stairs, glanced up quickly and then snuck up them carefully.

Once upstairs he heard voices. A high-pitched, nasal one and a whiny, kind of squeaky one.

The nasal one was crooning, but it was so out of tune that it was hard to listen to for long. Maybe that's why the squeaky one was crying….

"Oh, my little dud-ers, hush-a-by! Who's a cute likkle baby? My baby dud-y-poo, that's who! Now stop crying, dud-y, you know how it makes daddy angry. You don't want him to come in here with his big shotgun again, do you?"

The Dark Lord stopped, appalled. Apparently, parenthood didn't exactly agree with Potter.

Voldemort rolled his eyes; he would be doing the world a favor by killing the Potters.

He sighed and then ran into the bedroom.

And screamed.

Again.

Standing in front of him was a gangly woman with an extremely long face. She was holding what looked to be the world's fattest baby to date.

Voldemort blinked. Whoever had said that Lily Potter was pretty and that Harry was an adorable little squirt needed their eyes checked—soon. Either that or medication.

Oh, well. He could deal with that demented freak later.

He raised his wand and in one breath killed who he thought was Lily. He turned to the baby and again raised his wand.

The Dark Lord hesitated; who was he to deprive the world of a Guinness-worthy baby?

Even he, the Dark Lord Voldemort, had to admit that no matter how revolting it was to see a baby that size, it had to be a world record.

So, he turned around and left the house.

Once outside, he found Wormtail, who was serenading a stray tabby cat.

"Worm? What the heck are you doing?" He asked his ahem male companionship.

"Hmm? Oh you're back. Sorry," Wormtail muttered. "So, what're we going to do now, master?"

"Gosh! You have to pay attention when we're in the meetings, Worm!"

With that Voldemort stepped out into the deserted street and did what any witch or wizard who needed a ride did. He stuck out his right arm.

"You're summoning the Knight Bus?" Wormtail asked, horrified at the thought of what seemed eminent capture.

"Yes, the Knight Bus. It should be here any second now."

The Knight Bus came alright. It appeared right where the Dark Lord had been standing moments before. Now he was simply laying there.

A middle-aged man wearing glasses stepped out of the bus and began speaking.

"Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand, step on board, and we can take you anywhere you want to go. My name is Ernie Prang, and I will be your conductor this eve—"

The conductor stopped unexpectedly. He looked inquiringly at Wormtail, who was staring aghast at the base of the bus. Ernie followed Wormtail's gaze curiously and then gaped as he saw an arm sticking out from under the bus.

"Cor, Ed, look't this! You land'd smack on top o' some bloke!"

Wormtail however, was in a state of deep despair.

"What's wrong wit' you?" Ernie asked cautiously, seeing the look of utter misery on Wormtail's face.

"You idiot! You've killed the Dark Lord!"

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Well, that was interesting.

Please review, it might help me pay for the therapy I obviously in need of.

luv, veggies


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